After my appointment today I am almost 100% sure I don’t want to have a bone marrow transplant. There was not one positive thing that happened today except I learned that there’s no surgical procedure involved. Every other bit of news was horrific. I spent the entire two and a half hours in tears listening to how awful my life would be after the transplant. No fucking thank you.
Really really don’t want to go to this appointment. Feeling super anxious currently.
One other thing that RJ said tonight made me cry. He said he felt really bad about not ever asking me how I’m feeling in regards to me being sick and going through chemo, and the reason he doesn’t do it is because he doesn’t want to deal with it or think about it. I was upset at first, but then he kind of clarified. He said he knows that everyone else in the world is like, “oh, how are you? how’s treatment? poor you, do you need anything?” etc. Which is true. Even my own sister. Every time I try to talk to her about something, her response includes something along those lines. He said he doesn’t want to make me feel like a child who can’t take care of myself, because he knows I’m a “grown ass woman who can handle her own shit”, but if I ever do need help, just to ask and he’ll be there for me. I definitely started crying, and he could tell, and he felt bad but I told him I’m just emotional and it wasn’t a bad thing. I told him he’s one of very few people who still treat me the same as before, and I appreciate it so much.
I’m just so thankful to have him in my life. I truly am.
Now I’m going to bed before I make any more posts about this wonderful man and drive you all insane.
RJ started talking about how he wants to make some changes in his life, health wise, and morally, and for a split second I let myself think he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend officially, and I got so excited. Then he said the reason he didn’t text it to me was because he didn’t want me to think that he wanted me out of his life, which I totally understand. But the fact that taking things further didn’t come up made me so irrationally sad. I’m happy the way things are. Granted I’m a bit confused, but I’m happy. I don’t know why I let that get to me so much.
I wanna be da papa u can be da mom
THIS SONG IS FIRE..